who is currently the most famous person in the WHOLE WORLD!!...or at least IN SALEM!!
Which, I am pleased to announce, means that I too am famous by association. I will be glad to give out my autograph but I only sign bodies...to save on paper of course. Its the green way of giving your autograph.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
today
Today
A gray and mournful day
The kind of which on funerals lay
This misty sheet of moisture fall
Down on gray and mournful all
Who, clothed in black and boring cloak
Are sullen, sad, and sunken folk.
Mortuary's dance and frolic whence
The sun is blocked and rain commence
For now does business swell and bloom
When the living sway and swoon
Down to hell if not first saved
By the dirt floor of a grave.
Be spared this fate ye living few,
Act with haste upon this coup
When arrows fall from high heaven,
When our enemy fastly beckon,
Deploy, deploy our sole defensive
Umbrellas bounce and spring to action.
Unyielding black umbrella's attempt
To hold the heavn'ly armament
But yet it is to no avail,
The troops begin to fail and fail.
Bodies limp and faces sleek
Gnarled limbs wet and bleak,
Die in the onslaught ever falling
Fast in sheets of dampness galling,
Out flanked, out numbered, umbrellas swirling
For their children and wives yearning,
The troops by the thousands succumb.
But what did that great warrior state,
If beat them not, then join them late,
And so we must if to survive
To drop all grievances aside
And ask our wet foe to befriend
Those who for years paved o'er their land
And on bended knee to plea
A thousand years of clemency
On one condition tis employed
If all umbrellas be destroyed.
A gray and mournful day
The kind of which on funerals lay
This misty sheet of moisture fall
Down on gray and mournful all
Who, clothed in black and boring cloak
Are sullen, sad, and sunken folk.
Mortuary's dance and frolic whence
The sun is blocked and rain commence
For now does business swell and bloom
When the living sway and swoon
Down to hell if not first saved
By the dirt floor of a grave.
Be spared this fate ye living few,
Act with haste upon this coup
When arrows fall from high heaven,
When our enemy fastly beckon,
Deploy, deploy our sole defensive
Umbrellas bounce and spring to action.
Unyielding black umbrella's attempt
To hold the heavn'ly armament
But yet it is to no avail,
The troops begin to fail and fail.
Bodies limp and faces sleek
Gnarled limbs wet and bleak,
Die in the onslaught ever falling
Fast in sheets of dampness galling,
Out flanked, out numbered, umbrellas swirling
For their children and wives yearning,
The troops by the thousands succumb.
But what did that great warrior state,
If beat them not, then join them late,
And so we must if to survive
To drop all grievances aside
And ask our wet foe to befriend
Those who for years paved o'er their land
And on bended knee to plea
A thousand years of clemency
On one condition tis employed
If all umbrellas be destroyed.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
giddy cavers
And you people thought I was technologically impaired! Ha! Not only have I proven you wrong by posting a picture but also a movie! So I never want to hear about it again.
Surprisingly, claustrophobia was about the last thing on anyone’s mind—like the thing everyone knows is there but no one pays attention to…like babies. Caving is probably the most adventurous activity a normal Joe could pursue—the last frontier on earth that doesn’t require an exorbitant budget of those who desire to explore. Add in the beauty of underground geology, technical rope skills, and a good time with a few nutty cavers, and you’ve got yourself the vacation of a life time.
In comparison to their egotistical, global-summit-dominion motivated mountaineering counterparts; cavers seem to hold a strong camaraderie between each other. While mountaineers would rather boast about how many summits they’ve sacked in the Himalayas, cavers would be more likely to make fun of your mother over a pint. Maybe the main difference is that mountaineers climb mountains to feed their insatiable ego and cavers cave to discover the cave—not to prove something. I like that.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Tree: a study of gravities influence in its natural environment
Today I had a gravitational encounter with an inconveniently located tree. The star of the act of course was gravity whose role was supported by an innocent skier caught in the grips of its accelerating power. The force of gravities acceleration combined with a nitwit skier's miscalculated turn-to-tree radius stigmatizations led to a rather spectacular collision with a tree. Within milliseconds the skier (me) was engulfed in a spiraling tornado of snow, skis, poles, tree limbs, and flailing body parts. The powder clouds were high enough to touch the hallowed heavens above. When the powder settled there was our hero (me), the innocent skier, lying prostrate on the snow with one still attached ski caught in branches of two different trees, and a ski pole bent at a 90 degree angle. Slightly ominously, a well meaning snow boarder comments on the "wicked spill" and asks if he can be of assistance, but given the red horns that stuck out of the good Samaritans helmet, I decide to graciously decline the generous offer. Figuring it was time for a rest, I limp into the lodge to make my legendary miracle healing concoction (or LMHC for short); split pea soup, Doritos’s, and a pint’a beer (all consumed separately of course). The effect miracle concoction, hastened by dehydration, quickly restores my sense of invincibility and I hit the slopes once more…but not for long before the pain masking properties of the LMHC fade and I feel as though I am 40 years old—on the brink of death.
In other news, I am headed out for New Mexico…you know its going to be good because its like Mexico only better because its new. I’ll be there for a week long caving trip. While caves may not the best place to get a tan, apparently they are the best place to get stuck and die. So I’ll do my best to accomplish one of the two things listed above. Which one could it be? You’ll find out if I never post again.
…A slightly ominous ending, but an ending no less
In other news, I am headed out for New Mexico…you know its going to be good because its like Mexico only better because its new. I’ll be there for a week long caving trip. While caves may not the best place to get a tan, apparently they are the best place to get stuck and die. So I’ll do my best to accomplish one of the two things listed above. Which one could it be? You’ll find out if I never post again.
…A slightly ominous ending, but an ending no less
Monday, February 19, 2007
female insight #1
It is uncanny the resemplance between the female mind and police surveillance cameras. Forget all the good stuff you ever did (assuming there was some), they only catch you at your bad moments--and replay it over and over. These go on your permanent record. Be it a misdemeanor or a federal offence, at any point in the future you are liable to have one of these police videos pulled out months, years, or decades after the transgression. This sudden reawakening of past sins leaves me perplexed because two-thirds of the time I have not only forgotten the incident, but that entire period of my life. For those of you who know me this will come as no surprise. You would think some money hungry tycoon would start advertising for memory altering drugs that would wipe out the "police camera" section of the female brain, I'll keep waiting for it to come out. But until then; for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death will me and my record part.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
5 subjects
Has it ever happened to you that in a flash of a second your ideas, values, priorities, and definition of meaning which, one second ago you valued so highly, are now exposed as utter silliness? One well placed sentence is all it takes to switch a world view completely.
I pledge allegiance
To the fact
That I will never live in suburbia.
And for the evil empire
For which it stands
One accursed barren waste land,
Indivisible
With long commutes for all.
Curious; in an unexpectedly interesting segment of class, we wrote down our three main priorities in life i.e. family self work. Then were told to write these three priorities in sequence of “most time I spend with” to “least time I spend with”. Oddly, when I compared the two lists, they were completely opposite of each other—the main priorities get the least time, and the least priorities get the most.
I enjoy astronomy class mostly because of the incredible understatements one can make about the universe. My professor does it all the time “so they discovered that the sun’s core is about 1 million Kelvin…ok? So if you get close enough to that, it’ll burn your marshmallow sticks and ruin your whole party for sure”.
I saw the stars tonight. I can’t remember the last time I saw them, or at least looked at them, but there they were; mocking human existence from their eternal perch. If stars had a consciousness I wonder what they who live for trillions of years would say to those whose lives rarely surpass 90 on a planet a 0.00001 the size of their own. No such deflation of the human ego can compare to that the heavens bestow in the minds of those who listen to the message of their voices.
I pledge allegiance
To the fact
That I will never live in suburbia.
And for the evil empire
For which it stands
One accursed barren waste land,
Indivisible
With long commutes for all.
Curious; in an unexpectedly interesting segment of class, we wrote down our three main priorities in life i.e. family self work. Then were told to write these three priorities in sequence of “most time I spend with” to “least time I spend with”. Oddly, when I compared the two lists, they were completely opposite of each other—the main priorities get the least time, and the least priorities get the most.
I enjoy astronomy class mostly because of the incredible understatements one can make about the universe. My professor does it all the time “so they discovered that the sun’s core is about 1 million Kelvin…ok? So if you get close enough to that, it’ll burn your marshmallow sticks and ruin your whole party for sure”.
I saw the stars tonight. I can’t remember the last time I saw them, or at least looked at them, but there they were; mocking human existence from their eternal perch. If stars had a consciousness I wonder what they who live for trillions of years would say to those whose lives rarely surpass 90 on a planet a 0.00001 the size of their own. No such deflation of the human ego can compare to that the heavens bestow in the minds of those who listen to the message of their voices.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
best before august, 2009
It is not uncommon for the recipient of an email to read "I miss you" at the bottom of a letter. This statement very unremarkable in terms of its common colloquial usage in the English language. Most perplexing to me is the new and peculiar placement of symbol to follow this common statement; namely, a question mark. So the complete phrase may read as follows: "I miss you?” The implications of this statement? Unknown. I have never encountered this use of a question mark. The first time I encountered this phenomenon I passed it off as a typo or one writer’s idiosyncrasy. But what of the second and third times I received this odd statement from different writers? Something is afoot.
Recently I have been making a hobby of studying good-byes. I find them interesting. An interest perhaps similar to the kind a doctor would have on himself if repeatedly broke out in seizures. After much thought on the matter I have deduced the phrase "I miss you?" is typical of a type 2 friendship. Let's expand the idea:
1. Type 2 friends are good buddies where the relationship is based on experience i.e. seeing each other every day, hanging out, coffee, etc.
2. But they separate and never see each other again
3. This leads to a lack of new experiences from which to base the relationship. There is old experience but this quickly becomes irrelevant in light of current circumstances.
4. Years down the road, both parties feel conflictingly as to the extent of missing their former friend (FF). With having none but past and irrelevant shared experiences to cite, the FF’s intellectually know that they used to like each other but no longer have any hard experience to prove this idea.
5. Hence, the statement “I miss you?” is a perfect encapsulation of an individual’s conflicting emotions, experiences and ideas in the context of an expiring relationship. Brilliant.
Here’s a thought; do relationships have expiration dates similar to that found on milk cartons? Except that this expiration date is based upon some cosmic calculation of random circumstances in that lead to an estimated date of relational termination. It would be funny to meet someone and then stamp their forehead with a “best before august 2009”.
Recently I have been making a hobby of studying good-byes. I find them interesting. An interest perhaps similar to the kind a doctor would have on himself if repeatedly broke out in seizures. After much thought on the matter I have deduced the phrase "I miss you?" is typical of a type 2 friendship. Let's expand the idea:
1. Type 2 friends are good buddies where the relationship is based on experience i.e. seeing each other every day, hanging out, coffee, etc.
2. But they separate and never see each other again
3. This leads to a lack of new experiences from which to base the relationship. There is old experience but this quickly becomes irrelevant in light of current circumstances.
4. Years down the road, both parties feel conflictingly as to the extent of missing their former friend (FF). With having none but past and irrelevant shared experiences to cite, the FF’s intellectually know that they used to like each other but no longer have any hard experience to prove this idea.
5. Hence, the statement “I miss you?” is a perfect encapsulation of an individual’s conflicting emotions, experiences and ideas in the context of an expiring relationship. Brilliant.
Here’s a thought; do relationships have expiration dates similar to that found on milk cartons? Except that this expiration date is based upon some cosmic calculation of random circumstances in that lead to an estimated date of relational termination. It would be funny to meet someone and then stamp their forehead with a “best before august 2009”.
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