Corporate Ladies

Never was there so detestable a group of ladies as those who have spent their lives in a florescent office. Are you in an office with corporate ladies? No, I'm not talking about corporate hotties (the girls who walk around in high-heels, wear over sized glasses, and tend to look down at you with a look which simultaneously expresses disdain and self-righteousness...another topic for another day). But back to the original question: how do you know when the ladies in your office have achieved the status of Corporate Lady? Well, from my extensive office scouting experience I have been able to identify 4 tell-tale features by which one can effectively identify such Ladies in his office.

Does the suspected Corporate Lady in question manifest the following symptoms? Does she:

1) Incessantly cackle every 5 minutes in pitches which, in the middle ages surely would have been reason enough to determine her combustibility for fear that she may be a witch?

2) Begin every morning, Monday-Friday, speaking in overwhelming decibels about the latest great world calamity? Which (for Corporate Ladies at least) is always somehow traffic related? You'll be able to identify this symptom if, after listening to her rants, you would be forgiven to think that oil spills and wars were now surpassed in importance by new more important national crisis...the beamer.

3) Answer the phone the same exact way, every single time, in a sheer, high pitched, squirrely, and yes, witchy way? This happens multiple times per hour and they always say the same exact thing. I dream about her cell phones ring tone and sometimes find myself whistling it...

4) Have a general disdain for life? Corporate Ladies hate their lives...lets face it, if I was one of them I would too. Their skin is not bronzed by the gold of the sun, rather it sags and flabs in the rays of florescent lighting. Their hair does not lift and blow behind them in the salty air of the ocean or the dry air of the mountains, rather it hangs ratty and dull in an insulated artificial environment. They do not experience the world or have their mind expanded by education, rather, they repeat the same task over and over. And they have been doing this for 20 or 30 years! So when you make conversation with them at the water cooler what do they say? "Well, another day eh?" to which I respond, "yah, but at least its Wednesday so you're half way there", "yah, I could really use the weekend right about now though". Boo! No wonder you cackle so much, what a horrible life!