I am pleased to announce the first addition to my wardrobe since the year of our lord 2003. As many of you know, due to the new European travel restrictions, BrenTopia Travels Inc. based out of Carnforth England, was forced to layoff hundreds of cloths, leaving them ownerless, jobless, and dejected. This economic “downsizing” caused what many economists have deemed “a downward spiral” in the BrenTopia Fashion Division of BrenTopia Travels Inc. While initially, BrenTopia Travels promised that it would only layoff apparel, soon after it proceeded to layoff shoes, accessories, books, and yes, even toothpaste. The riots caused by unemployed apparel eventually drove BrenTopia Travels Inc. out of Britain and on to mainland Europe where it set up head quarters in Shladming, Austria. In the true spirit of riches to rags, the BrenTopia Fashion Division found itself downsized to the following list of latest fashion gear:
Socks: not enough
Pairs pants: 3
Pair shoes: 1
Formal anything: none
Hygiene equipment: toothbrush
Other Hygienic tools: none
Books: 3 (down from 7)
Yes, there was only one word to describe this struggling business: compact. Using their weakness as its strength, BrenTopia Fashion Division was the first to claim that its entire wardrobe (consisting of net gross approx 15$US) could easily fit into one 50-liter REI frame pack. However, after almost 8 months of facing constant rebuke from fellow competitors in the fashion business, the unthinkable happened. In a storm of Shekinah glory and pearly doves, 7 (a holy number) shirts and 4 sweatshirts floated down from the heavens and were graciously donated to the “Brent-is-a-Starving-Child-Too” fund—a fund founded by BrenTopia Travels Inc. itself. Who could be the messenger of such charitable donations? It came in that vast reservoir of apparel, that masterful fashion Houdini, Justin McNanfelt. O Sacrum convivium, ave Maria, sancti amos deum, Alleluia. Amen.
Thanks be to God.
If you too would like to donate to the Brent-is-a-Starving-Child-Too fund, send cash, check, money order, or Cows* to: firstname.lastname@example.org
*Cows may be used as currency only for those who do not reside in 1st world nations. Holiday blackouts, restrictions, and meaningless government inspections/visas apply. Cows must be worth at least 2 live virgins.