Saturday, December 17, 2005

the homeless way

In my recently inspired intellectual collegial blossom, I have devised a controlled test to discern where one lies on the Homeless-O-Meter. On the scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a princess and 10 being a beggar on the street, this test will place you according to your natural "knack" for homelessness. Also, while taking this test, keep in mind that what I have called the "Homeless Way" is not determined by your present circumstances, rather it is your natural inclination to, or your lack of natural detest, for the homeless ability. Answer the following questions honestly.
Your answers may be recorded for future costumer quality assurance.

1. The thought of sleeping in a dumpster is exciting
2. When standing in the cafeteria line, you determine who you will befriend based on if they look like the kind of person who has his own car. (Among those who walk in accordance with the Homeless Way, this tactic is referred to as the "Eagle Tumnus" maneuver. Because it requires the eyes of an eagle combined with the innocent friendliness of Mr. Tumnus, but seasoned with unsuspecting ulterior motives)
3. You classify your weekly swim as a shower because the pool water is chlorinated
4. Attaining the status of "beach bum" is part of your 5-year post graduate plan
5. You spray paint your tent camo so it can be less easily recognized in neighborhood parks
6. You have long conversations and much in common with people who sell mysteriously acquired products in city parks
7. Homeless people invite you into their homes
8. Small foreign children throw rocks at your tent for no apparent reason
9. After school banquets, you go around with a plastic plate asking for left overs
10. By experience, you know what days and times give you the maximum potential for hitch hiking

If one or more of the above describes you, you have type H (Homeless) tendencies. If all of the above describes you, it is likely you are living out of a cardboard box. If none of the above describes you, go back to your castle you little princess and sleep on your mattress of oppression, flip on your light switch of evil, open the door to injustice, put on your crown of snakes, and your shoes that trample on the heads of the righteous. Eat your food that soon turns to ash as you wither in the wheat fields Gomorrah, may your children turn into pillars of salt that season my potatoes for breakfast. That you might have have eternal jam between your toes while dogs lick your bare-feet, may hair be always in your eyes as you live off weight-loss granola bars and Diet Doctor Pepper as you and your forefathers have, and you forefathers forefathers have.

6 comments:

Benjamin said...

you ever realize you have a natural talent for writing.
you make homelessness sound interesting and exciting.

i guess some of life's lessons come in cardboard boxes

Kuri said...

Dear Mr. Salty Breakfast Potatoes,
So even if i only resonate with one or two qualities that makes me type H personality? my my my.

mary said...

brent, i just wanted to assure you that i'm no princess...though my H tendencies aren't too strong either. i see how your past has been preparing you to be a better homeless bum. still miss you brent because home isn't home without you...i went to the tokorozawa starbucks on saturday and i definitely went there more with you than with any other friend and so it was quite sabishii. our old classmates are slowly trickling back to japan...you better join us this summer.

B├ęthany said...

when do you plan on attaining beach bum status? we can schedule our pilgrimages to overlap somewhere.or...alot-of-wheres.

Justin Nanfelt said...

Did I ever tell you about my trip home in Europe where I had to sleep in the airport and ended up sharing a sleeping spot with two homeless guys? The next day when we were kicked out of the prayer chapel- our respective sleeping quarters- they offered me their own personal bench that they had claimed previously so that I could sleep there. Does that count for having a homeless person offer me their home?

Jimmy said...

how about homeless on a freight train....somewhere between where I am and you are right now? And then homeless in the mountains in Austria?