Humans are so complex and unknowable in every aspect all I can do is watch and be amazed. Just one glance can break a friendship, one misspoken word is mulled over and influences the rest of a ones life. With old friends I encounter a deep reservoir of emotion that is never talked about, never mentioned. It could be that with past friends, because we are no longer a part of each others lives, there is no need to mention past mistakes or misspoken words-after all, if you're only there to see each other for a few hours, whats the use of rectifying a past discrepancy? So the past simmers and burns inside each of us as it permeates deeper into our being until one day, when we're 80 we don’t even remember what caused us to become bitter vengeful senior citizens in the first place. This is how old friends draw apart, how families separate with age-blunt words are easily avoided when there is distance between two potentially conflicting parties. So each party talks about the other behind backs and amongst current members of our present lives, never with good intentions.
Human beings are extremely complicated; pressures, desires, conflicts, and peers pull us in every way possible until the individual hardly knows who he is any more. But the funniest part of human nature shows exactly as the peacock does; show your finest feathers and impress each other-make the other think that you are better than he is. In EVERY circle of humanity, this show-off aspect of human nature never ceases to surface. But why? To be normal is to be a failure-and every one, I would argue even self-actualized super stars know they are a failure on a deep level. So why live life in a constant effort to make others think you’re perfect? I know several middle aged people who are so insecure about the cleanliness of their house that they can barely breathe in it without ruining something. To these people I suggest a vacation at a concentration camp-surely they would have far less cares in a jail cell then they have now in modern suburban America.
So which is better, to escape or to embrace society? Or perhaps a combination of the two? This is the great conflict in me, on one hand worldly wisdom demands I find financial security, plan for my future, and get a house (who says we even need a house? Why not live in a not-house. It’s like there’s some kind of social convention that demands people to get a house—and perhaps that is what the media is, a social committee that passes laws on how one should act, look, and feel). On the other hand my Christian background demands I live according to “Gods will”-an abstract concept that can be manipulated any which way according to the desires of the Christian. OR “God’s will” may also serve as a Christianized euphemism for “fly by the seat of your pants”-this ensures an adventurous journey, though unfortunately, according to worldly wisdom, not one that necessarily leads anywhere (no doubt a highly debatable sentiment). Finally, the idea that “you don’t need to know what you’re doing with your life yet”. A fine proposal except major life decisions as the apocalypse have come, and at least some philosophy by which to live by must be lived by.
I’ve had it.